Signs of a Delusional Mind

Because my brother has refused, on several occasions, to chronicle my wisdom, I have decided that the matter must be taken into mine own hands. The very fact that he has not written anything down over the years has only served to prove his jealousy. Or to show that he is in fact the saner of our parents' two sons - but this is certainly preposterous.

I shall begin, because I am bored, with my most classic inventions, which have yet to come into fruition (mostly due to unwarranted scepticism); but you wait and see - one of these days they will be mass produced for your convenience. These works of genius will be given to you not only in ascending practicality, but also in ascending greatness.

1. Central, levitating library.
   Forget trying to find a library in your area - and discovering that it doesn't even have all the books you need! With a central library that floats on an island above the city, all you need to do is find the scattered gateways which will transport you, by way of a unique elevator-train, to the only book depository you'll need!

2. Scent-converting underwear.
   If you have a lot of flatulence, this is the thing for you! It will change the olfactory properties of the gas emitted as it passes through the membrane of these specially fabricated undergarments so that it smells to any witness like a fruit of your choice! No more shame, guilt or embarrassment! Only the soothing smell of strawberries!

3. A life-sized map.
   This map will have the exact distances and sizes as the real thing, only printed out and folded for you to store away. A life-sized map will allow for an incredibly accurate calculation of the time it will take to get any destination! A pop-up, travel version will make getting lost a thing of the past!

4. A dictionary with an index.
   Imagine: You have to look up a word; but instead of flipping through endless pages, trying to find that word under section 'i,' you can simply go to the back of the dictionary and easily find that 'incredulous' is on page 715, column 2. Oh, the ease! This is going to save so much time!

That's pretty much it. At least, those are the only ones worth mentioning (and by that I mean, the only ones I can remember).

Before you close this page, never to return again, I must ask you one thing: Do they purposely make fibre cereals to look like little pieces of poop?

[posted by ericjordan at 0813 hrs]
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